martes, 30 de marzo de 2010

Apio en la ensalada

Durante años me dijeron que tengo un carácter de porquería. Irritable. Colérico. Áspero. Amargo. Para mí, eso es un sinsentido. ¿Cómo se te ocurre? Absoluta carencia de paladar. La gente vive tan ocupada en poner a los demás en su sitio que pierde el suyo. La paja y la viga, ¿capito? Apio en mi ensalada: no me pescan el sabor.
***

Me llamo Oberdán Washington Liberman, soy uruguayo y vi la final del Maracanazo de 1950. Aquel fue el momento más feliz de mi vida. Me tatué el nombre de Gigghia en el cachete derecho del culo y el de Barbosa en el izquierdo. Cuando algo me sale bien, le pido a mi mujer que me toque el derecho; cuando me mando una imperdonable, yo mismo me doy una de Dios de taquito sobre Barbosa. No hay nada mejor que ponerse uno mismo en su lugar.
Aquel 16 de julio fue la última vez que le puse apio a la ensalada. Desde entonces, ni una alegría para este geniecito charrúa que cargo.
***
No es que sea belicoso, faltaba más. Soy un señor de edad, ingeniero mecánico retirado. (No es fácil ser ingeniero en un país de comentaristas.) Algunas veces uso sombrero y cardigan de lana. Si se me ve en la calle es porque he cometido un error: yo me fundo con las paredes.
Pero tengo mi carácter.
Mi genio es una función matemática e hidráulica. Y, curiosamente, poco tiene que ver con el fóbal, así exista aquella coincidencia de 1950. Capaz que es de profesión o de puro jodido. (Capaz que es este río muerto.)
Se necesita cierta inteligencia para, apropiadamente, conducir este carácter automotor. Oberdán Washington Liberman es como un tanque de combustible, damas y caballeros. Me lleno y me vacío a medida que avanza el cuentavueltas. Lo sustancial para ustedes —lo único que en realidad deben saber— es que el comportamiento pistero se correlaciona directamente con la calidad de los argumentos de, valga decir, mis ocasionales interlocutores. O con lo que hacen a veces. O toda su vida.
¿Cómo que hablo pavadas sin decir adónde voy? Faltaba más, decime un poco: ¿necesitás que te de un mapa de ruta para adivinarme los cruces de calle, papusa? Dejate de joder y haceme un par de favores. Primero devolveme el mate, que ese me toca a mí. Segundo, no me tapes el sol que ya cae la fresca y me duelen los huesos. El tercero te lo hago yo y va de yapa: escuchá un poquito a ver si aprendés.
***
Yo te arranco el día con paciencia tibetana. Un dique de emociones positivas, blancas, amarillas, naranjas; colores bonitos y bobitos. De otro modo: yo empiezo con un gol combado del Enzo desde el vestuario. Oberdán 1 - Vida 0. No cualquiera.
El problema es que la humanidad o te mata o te desgasta, que para el caso es lo mismo. A mí, entre otras cosas, me vacía el tanque de ánimos.
Mi respuesta a las situaciones es la siguiente:
A vanidades ajenas mínimas, leves muecas de desagrado. No más. Eso da un ochenta por ciento de comportamiento afable con el tanque casi lleno.
Ante tonterías pasables, me fugo. En esta categoría entran los comentarios repetidos de la fecha del fin de semana, los cuentos de taxistas y las opiniones sobre el gobierno. La gente que se quejó, queja y siempre se quejará porque aumentó el kilo de carne. La ciática y la gota. Esa cosa que llaman electrotango.
En estas circunstancias, seis de cada diez veces te regreso con amenidades. Hasta te uso bonete, mirá lo que te digo.
A esto se le llama productividad o kilómetro por litro: con poco, igual circulo fácil. Hago unos cuantos ka-eme de travesía socialmente respetable; mínimo gasto. Y todavía no empasto la bujía.

***
Si el planteo me puede desquiciar, paciencia: perdono uno de cada dos.
(Es cierto; la proporción es más chica. ¿Te queda bien ocho de veinte?)
Acá van: los vecinos que se ponen a charlar cuando sacás la basura y los que llaman por teléfono en medio de algo importante, como estar en el baño. Más que amargura, esto me provoca acidez. Y yo, con acidez, no puedo tomar mate. O sea, se me corroe un poco el sistema.
***
La gente no conoce límites. No por eso van a hacer limonada de mi humanidad. Cada dos por tres, bramo. O sea.
***
Término medio, estaré cuatro de cada cinco interacciones con humor de perros. Aquí es cuando se me va la paciencia al diablo o, automovilísticamente hablando, se me vacía el tanque. Como si los piedrazos del camino de ripio me hubieran dejado un agujero en el alma. (Pavada de definición te tire.) Este comportamiento es más que defendible. Los tópicos que lo generan serían reprobados hasta por una vedette o por Susana Giménez.
***
Y me verás, ahora sí, con un total y definitivo carácter de mierda ante ciertas papanaterías. Le pasa a todos. A unos les rompe soberanamente el espíritu lavar el auto. O almorzar en casa del yerno los domingos. O planchar. Pasear el perro. Que pierdan el Milan y Peñarol. Impositiva. La colonoscopía. El dolor de espalda. Las uñas como pezuñas.
A mí me carga que pidas que recuerde el cumpleaños de tu sobrina-nieta y la fecha en que termina la oferta de temporada del almacén.
No quiero ver tu novela ni leer las cartas de tu hermana.
Si vienen los botijas, atendelos vos, que ya sabemos que conmigo ni-fú-ni-fá.
No me mezcles lechuga y tomate que se aguachenta el día.
Si hasta entonces me quedaba una línea de combustible en el tanque del amor, me perdiste. Me quedo sin reserva. Cero. Kaputt, corazón. El motor no me funciona más. ¿Tan malo soy por eso?
Quereme un poco más. Sacame el apio de la ensalada. Dame un minuto de descanso. Dejame con el último sol.

104 COMENTARIOS:

› Anonimo con Apellido

Ahora sos uruguayo? Jaaaaa.... que hdp
parece que te describieras vos...

JLR

› Anónimo

(No es fácil ser ingeniero en un país de comentaristas.)
ja ja ja ja jka ja ja ja

Craig "Naughty Monkey" Ferguson

dos anonimos y yo para empezar no son buen signos
todos lectores medio fantasmales

como el personaje (el del cuento, no vos)

Leonor

Eso que ves que parece un gato es el fantasma del gato que se comió el perro de Oberdán
Me podrías haber dicho antes!!!

Luis

gemelo, tenia abandonada mis visitas
excelente texto, como siempre
donde puedo adquirir tu libro en mexico?
saludos,
llj

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"dejame con el último sol" lindo final, luminoso.

nicol

Hola.

Antes de nada, perdona que te escriba esto como un comentario, pero es que no vi tu email en el tu blog

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Parsimonia

Me gusta escuchar (o leer) a los tipos Oberdam. Hay mucho Oberdam suelto con una paciencia infinita y no se les nota, pero a los sinceros y honestos, a aquellos que cuentan que todo les importa un carajo (con perdón) excepto su propia y limitada felicidad, aquellos da gusto oirles su discursito enrabietado y antisocial.
Retrato original en la manera de presentarlo.
Me gustó.

PD: ¿quieres creer que no he leído tu libro aún?
Se me atravesó el primer relato (te soy sincera y hay confianza), pero prometo continuarlo.
Me voy 15 días, pero vuelvo y te haré el comentario prometido.
Xau.

Diego Fonseca

Me intriga eso de que "se te atravesó".
Suerte en las vacaciones.

Parsimonia

Estoy a puntito de publicar en el blog mis impresiones de tu South Beach.
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